Billy, Me & Your Second Wind

Pam and Lindy have done a wonderful job this week of discussing the challenges and trials of rejection as well as how to overcome a rejection (or several rejections) to ultimately feel empowered. They’ve provided solid advice as to how to keep rejections of all kinds in perspective. Truly, they’ve covered the subject quite thoroughly, and I don’t think I have anything of relevance to add that would significantly expand the topic.

And if there’s one thing I don’t like to do, it’s to ramble without adding something to the conversation.

Instead, Billy Joel and I plan to talk about some of the responses that the Big No (rejection) elicits in us.  You didn’t know that I’m tight with Billy Joel? Oh, yeah, we go way back. I’ve known him for most of my life – his moods, his feelings, his ups, his downs. Sure, he has not a clue who I am, but every friendship has its hurdles. So anyway, Billy Joel and I came up with an acronym to aid in remembering the 5 primary emotional responses to rejection: D’PASH. What does D’PASH stand for? Read on:

·       Despair: “And every time I’ve held a rose it seems I only felt the thorns” ~ And So It Goes
Well, despair might be overstating it slightly, but sometimes when we experience rejection, our first reaction is to feel sad. Sometimes we feel a little sad, and yes, sometimes we do feel desperate. This is often the emotion that’s easiest to overcome, as long as you allow your friends to comfort you. That’s a skill set most friends have in spades – the ability to make you feel happy again. Let them practice this amazing skill on you. You won’t be sorry.

·       Pride: “Because you had to be a big shot, did ya. You had to open up your mouth.” ~ Big Shot
Where sadness can be easiest emotion to move past, pride is probably the most intractable. And who among us hasn’t felt at some point that the person rejecting us has no right to reject us or clearly has absolutely no sense whatsoever? But what’s more critical here is pride’s ability to close our ears to what the person rejecting us has to tell us. Sure, they may simply not like what we have to offer for reasons that have no bearing on anything, but they also may convey something to you that you can use in the future – to help avoid future similar rejection (from publishers, from potential employers, from Billy Joel), to understand another point of view that’s unfamiliar to us, or even to use in a plot line someday!

·       Anger: “Give a moment or two to the angry young man, with his foot in his mouth and his heart in his hand. He’s been stabbed in the back, he’s been misunderstood. It’s a comfort to know his intentions are good.” ~ Angry Young Man   
Closely related to pride is anger. Have you ever been rejected by a loved one when you needed him or her most? Have you been let go from a job for unfair reasons? In such situations, it’s easy to feel flat out pissed. Furious even. Move over pride, anger’s taking the stage. Be careful when anger subsides, though, because if self-acceptance doesn’t assert itself, despair can wander in.

·       Stress: “But you will come to a place where the only thing you feel are loaded guns in your face and you’ll have to deal with pressure.” ~ Pressure
Depending on how much you are counting on someone to accept what you had to offer, a rejection can really kick your stress into high gear. If you’re struggling financially, a job rejection can make impending bills loom like skyscrapers. When you’ve put your heart and soul in to a manuscript, every “no” letter may make you question all the time you put into writing and can stress you out over possible “lost time.” A rejection of a more personal nature – a spouse, a significant other, a friend, a family member – can simply increase worry about ending up alone without a support system. When the stress piles on, take a deep breath. Stress won’t help you overcome your rejection, and it won’t help you move on. It will just make you… stressed. So while it may not be just that simple… chill out. Do whatever you need to do (think: healthy) to relax. Seriously.

I shouldn't have had that second carafe of coffee before reading the rejection email... or maybe I should have another.

·       Honesty: “Honesty is such a lonely word. Everyone is so untrue.” ~ Honesty
The healthiest reaction (read: the least common reaction) is honesty. Self-directed, truthful assessment of ourselves. It’s the toughest reaction to have, and often it takes a huge, conscious effort. Think about it. If the person rejecting us can teach us something of value in his or her rejection rationale, then listening openly to and learning from their reasoning can only make us stronger. Conversely, if we listen attentively and honestly to the reasons the person rejecting us has to share, and if we can conclude that he or she is full of it or is flat out wrong, we can be that much more confident in ourselves and what we have to offer. It’s a win-win! It’s so difficult to manage, but if we can do it, the benefits are so worth it.

I hope that you’ve enjoyed the wisdom and fine lyrics Billy Joel and I shared with you, and I hope that we’ve managed to contribute something of value to the knowledge provided earlier in the week by my co-bloggers. And next time you face rejection…

Don't forget your second wind
Sooner or later you'll get your second wind
~ You’re Only Human

* If it wasn’t clear, all lyrics in this post are from Billy Joel songs.

Author: Megan Stanish
Website: http://aboutthesame.blogspot.com
Facebook: http://facebook.com/aboutthesame 
Twitter: http://twitter.com/megstanish

Don't let the bad guys win

Photo courtesy of http://www.freepicturesweb.com/

We first learn about rejection as children. Whether we are the last to be chosen for sports teams, are assigned to the chorus instead of the starring role in the school musical, or earn a “C” instead of an “A” in a class despite putting forth our best effort, we learn what it means to “fail.”

Then it gets personal. The boy you desperately wanted to invite you to prom asks a cheerleader instead. Your spouse has an affair with a colleague. Your best friend ditches you when you make a decision she cannot handle.

But the patterns of our youth do not have to become the truth of our adulthood. The actions and opinions of others have little bearing on who we really are.

Unless we let them.

Those of us who aspire to be traditionally published authors set ourselves up regularly to be rejected. Just for fun, I invite you to take this little online quiz.

But rejection is serious business. When I contemplate the word rejection, my body reacts physically. My chest tightens up; my breath becomes shallow. I get a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach.

Rejection can do one of two things: it can make us stronger, even more determined to succeed, or it can destroy us, giving us an excuse to achieve far less than we are capable of. “I never do anything right,” we tell ourselves. And we don’t. “Some things never change,” we sigh, and that becomes self-fulfilling prophecy.

One thing is for sure: rejection feels like a door slamming you smack! in the face. But Alexander Graham Bell, who failed countless times before finally succeeding with that little contraption we call the telephone, said, “When one door closes another door opens; but we so often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door that we do not see the ones which open for us.”

Yep. If we hang our heads in shame and slink into a corner every time someone tells us we are not good enough, we are sure to miss our next opportunity. Which might even turn out to be a better one. 

Most people give up just when they’re about to achieve success. They quit on the one yard line. They give up at the last minute of the game, one foot from a winning touchdown.

~Ross Perot

Maybe you have tried out the past six years in a row, but what if your next audition will be the one to get you a solo part in your church choir’s Christmas cantata? So you have filled out a hundred online job applications; what if the next one is the one that results in you landing your dream job? Maybe you have gone on blind dates with a dozen horny toads, but what if the next guy you meet turns out to be your Prince Charming? So you have a drawerful of rejection letters; what if the next editor you pitch to falls in love with your story and wants to sign you for a multi-book deal?

I take rejection as someone blowing a bugle in my ear to wake me up and get going, rather than retreat.

~Sylvester Stallone

Wake up, my friends. Get going. Never. Give. Up.


Author: Pam Asberry
Website: http://pamasberry.blogspot.com
Facebook: http://facebook.com/pamasberryfanpage
Twitter: http://twitter.com/pamasberry

Go Ahead...Reject Me!

Yikes!

How many times in our lives do we face debilitating rejection? Mortgage applications, job interviews, manuscript queries, invitations, date nights, play dates – we face each of these stamps of disapproval differently, at least, I do.



Well folks, today I am throwing down the gauntlet! Go ahead…reject me! I dare you.

Reject — vb

1.  to refuse to accept, acknowledge, use, believe, etc

2.  to throw out as useless or worthless; discard

In my infinite wisdom (ha!), I want you to understand one thing about you (because I know you so well). You are the only person who can reject you! Sure, there are countless ways others can reject - refuse to accept, acknowledge, use, believe (Source: Dictionary.com) - you, but in the end, you are the only one that has the power to let another’s rejection hold you back. Today I challenge you to join me in letting go of other’s attempts to dishearten you. I challenge you to abandon rejection and instead see “no” as a call to action. No matter the source, let another’s lack of belief propel you down a better path, a path that gets you closer to who you are. Let go of fear! Practice, practice, practice! And, when all else fails, try, try again!

“I am not afraid…I was born to do this.”

                                                     - Joan of Arc

As a woman I have been rejected by men who think themselves superior, men who believe their opinions, thoughts and feelings are the only ones relevant. To those men I say, “You aren’t worth my energy”; not the energy I could waste fighting back and certainly not the energy I might expel worrying about what you think of me. I am my own person and if you don’t like me for who I am…fine. You are missing out!

“You may have to fight a battle more than once to win it.”

                                                                       – Margaret Thatcher

As the mom of a three and a half year old I am constantly faced with rejection. It’s not a kind of rejection, when recognized for being what it truly is, that is painful. Instead, it is the rejection of mommy’s thoughts and opinions, guidance and direction, as my daughter spreads her wings in her first efforts to gain her independence. Every day she grows closer to becoming a girl, not a baby, and nothing could make me more proud, or more eager to receive rejection. Sometimes I have to lock myself in the bathroom and cry, but at least I see it for what it is.  

“What you don’t do can be a destructive force.”

                                                     – Eleanor Roosevelt

As a writer I cannot count the letters written by editors and agents not interested in my current work(s). That’s part of the game. Do I let their current interests and opinions stop me from writing what I love to write? No. Do I let the market’s needs dictate what I am to write about? Heck no! Does this mean I am inflexible and unwilling to change? Absolutely not! What it tells me is that I know who I am and what I am capable of. It tells me that when I query the same project in another three years that someone will pick it up. Their rejection today won’t stop me from believing in myself.

Facing rejection is how we learn from our mistakes, take constructive criticism, identify patterns of behavior in ourselves, and determine who we are and what we want to be when we grow up. So, another’s rejection today won’t stop me from believing in myself.

Sure, support from friends and loved ones, a good laugh and a penis joke shared between friends, and the venting about potty accidents, sleepless nights and embarrassing comments in the grocery store regarding our latest procurement of tampons that accompanies motherhood all help us to overcome it; no doubt. But, if I look in the mirror in the morning and think I can’t face another day of rejection, then I just didn’t learn enough the day before.

Life in Penned Perspective by Lindy Chaffin Start
http://www.unstoppablestart.com/

*****

Shameless marketing for Monday – Read! Comment! Share! And, come back tomorrow and Wednesday for more rejection perspective from Pam Asberry and Megan Stanish.